This post originally appeared here.
*This post is targeted to heterosexual females and will use heterosexual references and pronouns.
Let’s start off nice and slow with this sensitive subject: Women need to masturbate in order to know their own bodies.
You have one lifetime in this beautiful body, don’t wait - masturbate!
If you feel like it’s dirty or sneaky to do this without your husband/lover, then ask him if he’d mind if you worked on achieving stronger orgasms when he wasn’t home so that you could be a better lover. Who would say no to that? Loving partners want a sexual encounter to be magical and that takes two explosive reactions; not one. Sex needs balance and one orgasm is just off balance- you need to do your part to even things out! You have the power, but if you rarely (or never) have an orgasm during intercourse, then you’re not going to one day figure it out in the midst of the action. You need to do your homework and prepare in advance.
Special message to those who say “sometimes I climax-if the planets align and he does X, Y, and Z for 25 minutes” then you need to masturbate, too! You need to figure out exactly what your body requires so it’s not left to luck.
The point of this whole post is to remind you: You are the boss of your own body.
No one “gives” you an orgasm. You join an intimate contract with your man when you both agree to engage in a physical expression of your love. At no point should your physical pleasure just randomly pop up like a surprise bouquet of flowers. Instead, it should be as thought out as the emerald cut diamond engagement ring that you picked out and had sized to fit you perfectly. He can still buy it and place it on your finger, but there was some work involved by both parties.
Your climax or Moment of Euphoric Transcendence (MET) must be initiated and orchestrated by YOU. Your partner is there to facilitate your climactic moment, not to discover it in the back closet of your libido in a dusty box under a bag of clothes ready for Goodwill.
You are the boss of your body!
Said a different way: Your man knows how to have an orgasm. Every time. He is not dependent on you to figure out what position or scenario will make him achieve his MET. He will move and grab and guide your body until it is in harmony with his. He is the boss of his own body and he knows exactly how to use all the tools in his toolbox; especially his sexual tools. He won’t look at you with a dependent, figure-out-how-to-make-me-climax gaze. And aren’t you glad? Do you want a lover who knows what he wants and joyfully includes you in the process? Yes! Do you know why he is so attuned to his body?
Because he has spent hours and hours masturbating!
This started long before you entered his life; the teen years are a busy time of experimentation and ejaculation for males. He learned all the ways he can reach MET and has become confident in his ability to achieve MET every time he tries. That confidence is important, too. Just knowing that you can, makes it easier for you to replicate that result.
In The Case of the Female Orgasm (Harvard University Press), researcher Elisabeth Lloyd found that only 25% of women report they consistently have an orgasm during sex.
Ladies, we have no excuse other than our own laziness. With 24 hours in a day, you can spend a mere 20-30 minutes on your orgasm until you can get to MET in less than 5 minutes. Experiment with things that may turn you on: sexy music, water (shower, hot tub jets), standing naked in front of a mirror, porn (print or internet), erotic lit, etc.
I have to laugh when I think about a post like this for men.
It would be absurd to talk to men about how they need to learn how to achieve an orgasm. They would love a homework assignment that asked them to take time out of each day to masturbate; whereas, many women probably cringed when I suggested it for them. People would assume a male-orgasm post was a joke or a clever satire piece.
So why is this message necessary for women?
Because of fricking fairy tales, that’s why! We all would love to surrender the responsibility of our rescue to a handsome knight in shining armor or his buddy, Prince Charming. Sure we can be sassy and gutsy during the day, but it does feel nice to let someone else take over and drive the car during sex. They swoop in and resolve the situation; at least that’s our hope.
The fact that men like this role to a point is also important to consider. They love the idea of being there for us, giving us what we need that no one else can provide. That’s a big burden when it comes to the sometimes complex and/or elusive female orgasm. Men want to feel successful and you can help them achieve that goal by doing your part. Men shouldn’t try their hardest and then see your polite “it’s fine, honey” smile at the finish line.
The American Psychological Association found that 90% of men want their partner to have an orgasm.
They want to go on the adventure with you that ends with your eyes wide open (or shut), screaming or crying, sweating, panting, clawing, slapping, etc and then finally knock-out asleep. If you have MET goals, you should add “passing out in blissful slumber” to the list. You’re allowed to fly so high that you crash from exhaustion. No worries about cuddling afterwards- you both know how you feel about each other. Love has been expressed physically, you don’t have to belabor the point.
It’s time to move beyond the cerebral components of this argument for masturbation and get carnal. Let that sacral chakra know who’s boss. You need to figure out what makes you tick so that you can show your man how to wind you up. Learn what pleasure feels like in your own body so you’ll be able to recognize and nurture it when your body has become interdependent with another body.
Orgasms can heal the world, but I’ll save that rant for next time.