Sexy Christmas Gift Guide
Christmas might not be the best time to give a partner a big ole dildo – especially when gifts are opened in front of the family – but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck giving gift cards and hand knitted sweaters. There is a way to be subtlety sexy with your gifts. We’ve rounded up the best sexy Christmas gifts and stocking stuffers that are the gift giving equivalent of a wink and a raised eyebrow. Feel free to conveniently leave this page open for your lover to find.
It looks like a candle, but it is so, so much more. No one will raise an eyebrow at a simple little candle, unless they happen to turn it over and read the suggestive name – our favourite is “Vanilla Fetish” by Shunga ($21.99). It burns nice and slow, giving you lots of time to get in the mood. And as the candle burns, not only does it waft a deliciously lush vanilla scent onto the air, it also melts into yummy, silky massage oil.
Screaming O “My Secret Vibrating Mascara”
Mascara is a staple in most women’s make up case. So buying a woman mascara would not arouse (ha!) any suspicion…but this little vibe will certainly arouse something. The little silicone tip seeks out all the right places, and packs a big punch for its size. Perfect to toss in a purse “just in case”! And at only $14.99, it’s a win-win.
Click here to purchase.
Body Spa Vibrating Mesh Sponge
It looks just like an average loofah. And it could be – at least according to any prying eyes. Even the packaging is deceivingly generic. But hidden inside the fluffy mesh folds is a little pouch that perfectly fits the included bullet vibe ($19.95). The mesh adds an interesting textual element to a standard favourite: the shower orgasm.
Click here to purchase.
A robe is the perfect way to gift your lover “lingerie” without the embarrassment factor. Silk is undeniably sexy – not only does it drape the body seductively, it also feel fantastic against the skin. Match the style to the receiver – lace details or florals for a girly girl, darker colours for a more masculine touch, or an animal print pattern for the wild child. Check out Nordstrom’s for cute colorus and patterns.
Sex Toy Jewelry
This looks like a gorgeous pendant… and it is! But it also double as a clit vibe. The vibration is intense along the tip, and just enough to tease along the length. Wearing your sex toy might seem strange, but it is oddly titillating (pun intended). It even comes in a 24k gold option, for extra luxury ($69-149). Purchase through Babeland to get the real deal.
The first time you decide to do a BDSM scene can be nerve wracking.
You’ve (hopefully!) done all the preliminary things, negotiated what you want to do, chosen your safe words or chosen not to use them. You and your partner are likely anticipating play, much like waiting for christmas when you were young. You both likely have some expectations about how things will play out, which may or may not be realistic.
Often people whose only experiences with kink have been adult material (books, video, the internet, etc), will have ideas that aren’t terribly feasible. Remember, you and (maybe) your partner are going into this without previous experience, you’re probably going to make some mistakes. Lets talk about some of the most common ones that people experience in their first few scenes.
Often there are complaints from one or both partners about going too far or not far enough. This can result from mismatched expectations and ideas, which is where more thorough negotiation is needed. It can also result from simple inexperience – partners who haven’t done something before may hold back for fear of making mistakes or push too hard due to overconfidence.
In both cases, clear and honest communication is the answer. If we check in with our partners during play, making sure that they are enjoying things, we will have a better chance of scene success.
Many people use the ‘traffic light’ system to communicate during play.
It’s fairly simple and ties into the use of traffic signals for safe words. The Top will ask the bottom “What’s your colour?” and the bottom will reply with “green” to mean good, “yellow” to mean they are getting close to a limit, or “red” to express the need to communicate further, stop the particular activity or stop play entirely.
Another way for a Top to get a feel for where a bottom is at is using the 1-10 scale.
Again, the top can ask “what number are you at?” and the bottom can reply with a number between one and ten. Generally for play that involves pain, it is good to keep the bottom around a seven. Going above that point is reserved for more intense masochists or scenes where you’ve negotiated a pushing of limits. Ending the scene before the bottom gets to a seven can result in the bottom not feeling satisfied with play.
Of course those are just general guidelines, everyone is different and play should be tailored for your individual partner.
When playing with a new partner, I would much rather have a scene be not intense enough, rather than too intense. I can always go harder or more intensely the next time we play, but I can’t take it back if I’ve pushed too far, if a bottom didn’t feel comfortable telling me when they were at their limit or other similar issues. I explain this to all my new partners, and most appreciate my caution – those who don’t aren’t a good fit for me.
Playing Above Your Skill Level
This isn’t a mistake reserved only for Tops, bottoms can overestimate their abilities as well.
As Tops, if we play above our skill level, we can have many problems. We could, as a worst case scenario, do something that causes injury to our bottoms. We could harm them in ways that they did not consent to and that we didn’t intend. Much of BDSM is potentially dangerous, and it is our responsibility to ensure the safety of our bottoms.
We can also lose the trust of our bottoms – especially if we cause injury, but also if they feel that we put them at risk because of our lack of skill. Finally, in playing above our skill level, we can have an awkward and unfulfilling scene.
Bottoms playing above their skill level risk getting hurt. The hurt could be physical in nature, if the bottom exaggerates their skill or experience in an area such as rope bondage, which can be physically taxing. Unskilled bottoms who exaggerate experience can risk nerve damage, since they don’t know when to tell the rigger about issues and may think that the issues they are experiencing are normal.
They can also be harmed emotionally, if a top doesn’t know about hidden triggers or other problems. Finally, they risk losing the trust of their Top, who has to rely on them to be honest about desires and limits.
Often, in our excitement over a scene we will not prepare properly. We have a super hot scenario running through our minds, but lack the skill to prepare for it or just get too wrapped up in the fantasy to do the mundane parts.
Before starting, it’s always wise to gather all your supplies, practice anything you need to and be sure you have things there ‘just in case’. This can include a way to cut rope for bondage, a first aid kit and even condoms, in case you’re both in the mood after or sex is a negotiated part of the scene.
Too Focused on the Details
Being too focused on the details can result in a scene that can feel scripted and mechanical. If you’ve fantasized about a scene for so long that you and your partner have to learn lines before you start, you may want to re-think things. While it’s best to go into a scene having a good idea of what you want to do, be sure to leave some room for creative thinking. Sounding like the Dominatrix from a bad porno is definitely not sexy!
Finally, the one thing that can often get in the way of a good scene are nerves! If this is something you’ve been fantasizing about forever, you may feel nervous when the time comes to actually live it. Try to relax – just don’t get into the ‘liquid courage’, you need to be sober and thinking for this kind of play.
Doing something for the first time is nerve wracking, but we’ve all been there.
Keep things simple, you can always get more elaborate later on.
You may feel more comfortable doing your first scene in the privacy of your own home, or you may want to play at a dungeon, where there are others you can ask questions of. It’s your choice, do what makes sense to you.
Now that you know some of the common pitfalls, you can hopefully avoid them. It’s really important to have a good, honest idea of your skills, be prepared (for the scene and for emergencies) and do your best to relax. After all, this is supposed to be fun!
What Are Ben Wa Balls?
If you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey, or ventured into an adult store, you might have encountered “Ben Wa Balls”. (Or maybe you haven’t and you’re wondering what in God’s name they are…)
Essentially, they are small balls meant to be inserted into the vagina (NOT the butt!!) They often contain weights to encourage the balls to roll around within the vagina, increasing stimulation. They are more of a “slow burn” toy, meant to gradually build pleasurable sensations.
Although some women report reaching orgasm through the balls alone, most women enjoy them as a teasing foreplay method – the balls can be left in for an extended amount of time, held in place by your pelvic floor muscles. In fact, some women routinely wear Ben Wa balls to strengthen their PF muscles.
Like other sex toys, Ben Wa balls can be made of a variety of materials including glass, medical grade silicone, and metal. Some varieties are attached by a tether, with a string that remains outside the vagina to make retrieval easier, while others remain loose. The type of material may influence the difficulty of keeping the balls in place – stainless steel or glass balls will require more muscle strength to keep in place, while silicone balls are easier to “grip”.
How Do You Use Ben Wa Balls?
Because the balls are held in place by your pelvic floor muscles, we recommend starting with smaller sized balls.
Before inserting them, lightly coat the balls with your favourite body-safe lube (we reccommend this). Too much lube may make it difficult to keep the balls inside you – yes, they can slip out. Lie horizontally on a comfortable surface, and grib the balls between your thumb and forefinger. Press against the vaginal opening until the balls “pop” into place. You may want to experiment with the depth of insertion.
Although certain novels (*ahem* 50 Shades) may imply that you can immediately wear the balls in public, we suggest wearing them around the house before venturing outside. Because they are held in place by your muscles, if you aren’t used to constantly using those muscles, the balls may slide down. Wear them for as long as you like! Wear them while you partner stimulates your clit, or just sit in a rocking chair for a bit (yeah…. it’s much better than it sounds.)
Just like tampons, the balls cannot get lost in your vaginal canal. To remove tethered balls, simply tug gently on the removal string. If you use un-tethered balls, insert your thumb and forefinger into your vagina and grasp each ball. If that proves difficult, try lying or squatting and bearing down on your diaphragm.
Make sure you clean them well before and after each use – the cleaning method depends on the material (check out our article on how to clean your sex toys for more info).
The “Luna” beads set from Lelo is perfect for beginners – it comes with 2 sizes, allowing for gradual advancement in strength.
“Luna Beads” from Lelo
What My Introduction Into the Swinging Lifestyle Has Taught Me About Myself and About Love.
The definition of “Swinging” courtesy of Dictionary.com:
a person or thing that swings.
Slang. a lively, active, and modern person whose activities are fashionable or trendy.
a person who indulges in promiscuous sex.
a person who engages in the exchanging of spouses for sexual activities.
Swinging seems to be the buzz these days, or maybe it’s just because I am newly aware of the lifestyle. It’s like when you buy a new car, suddenly you are hyper aware of all of the cars out there that look JUST like yours.
Unfortunately, as you can see from the definition above, there are some definite misconceptions about “swinging”, the least of which is that it means a person indulges in promiscuous sex. My opinion and definition of swinging is mine alone, and anyone can free free to disagree with me, but I’d like to tell it how I see it, and I don’t see it at all the way that the dictionary does.
It’s important for you to know that swinging can mean different things for different people. Some couples see it as an avenue to strange sex. Others might see it as an avenue to act out their fantasies in the safe company of their partners.
I’m a 30 something professional woman with a very healthy sexual appetite, and until recently I had very little outlet for my libido.
In the throes of the divorce of a 2nd marriage gone horribly wrong (for a multitude of reasons, but one big one was a complete lack of sexual compatibility) I had one of those moments where you fall head over heels in love with someone you never expected to meet, let alone fall in love with and dream about a future with… Tim.
Life happens. What are you going to do, flip the birdie to the Universe and say, “Sorry, not what I had in mind for my life”? Not this girl. The Universe and I are buds, it always gives me exactly what I need at exactly the right moment, whether I realize it or not.
So in the process of committing to and getting to know each other, and getting more and more personal about ourselves Tim and I established that we both enjoy sex more than maybe the majority of our friends, and that we were both proponents of a life theory similar to “free love”. The world would be such a happier, more peaceful place if people could just love each other, free from judgement, jealousy or self imposed dogmatic “truths” about the way life is supposed to be.
If you want to be monogamous, fine, no judgement here, but I’m guessing that if you chose to click on the topic of this post and you’re still reading, there is a part of you that’s interested in the lifestyle. Don’t be shy, it’s human nature to be curious.
It took me some time to understand some things: (To be clear, I’m still learning and adjusting, and there are still “I wonder what he/she is thinking” moments)
How does a couple keep things “fair and balanced”
Are there rules?
How will my partner feel after I’ve been with someone else?
How will I feel after my partner has been with someone else?
Will I be able to watch? Do I want them to watch me?
My Experience with Swinging
Now sit tight, I’m going to break down my experience for you, including the epiphany I had when my first “date” was over, but first I want to dive into the emotions around swinging a little bit. These are the emotions and thoughts that my partner and I have, they are certainly not gospel. (I wonder if there IS a gospel on swinging?)
My situation is special, in that my partner and I have a long distance relationship. With long distance love affairs, things can be really stressful and emotionally taxing at times. My swinging became a way for me to fulfill some emotional need as well as physical. Sometimes you just need to be held, am I right?
Tim’s view is that he wants me to have everything and anything that I need to make me happy. He knows he can’t be here now to fulfill my emotional and physical needs, so he encourages me to seek them elsewhere. We always discuss the potential “friends with benefits” that I am considering, but 10 times out of 10 he will tell me “If this feels good to you, go for it and enjoy yourself”
We spent hours over the course of our budding relationship talking about what we were ok with and what we were not. Some things were easy, like no sleeping over: that’s too intimate (I know, sounds crazy right?). Most couples who swing have rules, some refer to them as preferences.
- Never have intercourse without a condom
- No swallowing of bodily fluids
- No separate rooms during a party
- No lone dates (meaning they always play together)
Some of those rules or preferences (or maybe all of them!?) will change, develop and evolve over the period of a couples swinging “career”. The most important factor in a relationship like this, is communication.
Not every couple can take a trip down the swinging trail…it’s not for the faint of heart, it’s not for the couple without a rock solid foundation or at the very least, an epic strength of love and commitment to each other.
Couples will swing together, or for all intents and purposes, you can change the verb from swinging to cheating, which isn’t fair to anyone involved.
My first experience and my light bulb moment.
For the purposes of anonymity I’m going to refer to my first connection as Jack. I met Jack on a website called Swing Lifestyle . It’s much like any matchmaking website, you create a profile, upload pictures, search for people, window shop, or connect via their platform email, or instant messenger. (With video capability too)
I signed up at SLS upon the encouragement of my partner who had already been a member for some time. He was not new to the lifestyle. I found a couple of people (or couples) I found interesting, and decided to message them.
Jack messaged me back and we had a nice chat, volleying back and forth a few times. Then I had a little bit of doubt, and lack of clarity about what our rules were, so I put everything on hold for a while. After more conversations and more reassurances, I decided to reach out to Jack again after a few months had passed.
We decided to meet for lunch near my office and we hit it off right away. There was a physical attraction, and an ease of conversation. After a few more emails and phone calls, we set a date to “play”.
You’ll have to use your imagination about the details of our playdate, but the important thing that happened, was on my way home when I got this message from my partner:
“Thank you for trusting me enough to do this for yourself”
Wow. Bells and whistles went off in my head. Like a 2×4 between the eyes, I finally understood with complete and total clarity what this swinging thing was all about.
I had been really worried in the back of my mind, that he was testing me, testing our relationship, and as soon as I left that date, he would be letting me know that I had failed, I couldn’t be trusted, and he was through with me. (Hangups much? I know, I’m a work in progress)
For my partner and I, swinging is about being able to fulfill physical (and on some level, emotional) needs with other trusted people, without worrying or wondering about how your partner looks at you or feels about you.
Is it about fulfilling sexual fantasies with your partner? Yes.
Is it a free for all to fuck as many people as you’d like? It shouldn’t be.
Is it the same experience for everyone? No way Jose.
Since my first experience I have gone on to become really good friends with Jack, and another couple that he introduced me to. In the emotional difficulty that has surrounded my long distance relationship as of late, they have been of great comfort to me as friends, who sometimes play together. They have also gotten to know Tim from a distance which is of some comfort to both of us.
I’m still learning about swinging, I read the forums on SLS and talk to people who have been in the lifestyle for a long time.
I don’t claim to be an expert.
There are things I’m not yet comfortable doing such as attending the big parties where you can wander into private or semi privates rooms and play with strangers. Eeeek…..not there yet. That’s like the deeeep end of the pool, and I’ve still got my sexy toes in the shallow end.
Swinging for me is about freedom. Freedom to be who I am, do what feels good, and be surrounded by people doing the same.
Contracts are sometimes used in BDSM and have become quite famous after their mention in the 50 Shades series. So let’s talk about what contracts are, if you need one, when you may want to use one and how to create one.
In any discussion about BDSM contracts, it has to be said that they are not legally binding, just a bit of kinky fun for people to indulge in. Some people take their contracts very seriously – in that a breach of contract by either (or any) party results in the relationship being dissolved. Like so many things in the kink lifestyle, you can pick and choose what works for you in this department – contracts are totally optional.
Not every couple (or triad, quad, etc) in a BDSM relationship has a contract. In fact, I know very few players who make use of them – and I know a lot of kinky folks! Contracts are often a part of more protocol heavy kink, and are more likely to be found in those types of communities.
With that said, many people do enjoy having a contract – for both erotic and practical reasons.
It is a tangible symbol of power exchange, much like collars, and can emphasize the feelings of ownership within a relationship.
Many people who use contracts view signing one as a profound sign of commitment (again, much in the way that collars are regarded by some). Contracts can also be very practical – the people involved have clear expectations of their partner(s) and know what is expected of them in return.
If you want to design a contract that stipulates a power exchange relationship on weekends only, go for it! If you want a contract with precise details about what is expected from partners, to apply 24/7, have at it! Kinky contracts can cover as much or as little as you see fit, you just need to sort out what works for your relationship.
Things to consider when creating a contract
- The slave/submissive’s responsibilities: What will they be responsible for in the relationship? Will they do all the household chores? Will they be sexually available to the Owner/Dominant at all times? Will they obey all commands or face punishment? Will they give up financial control? Worldly possessions?
- The Owner/Dominant’s responsibility: What will they provide to the slave/submissive? It is generally assumed that they will lead the relationship, but will they have power over all decisions? Financial, career and household? Will they provide financial support? Will they punish transgressions? Generally, Owners/Dominants are expected to care for the safety and wellbeing of the slave/submissive.
- Safewords: Will there be a safeword? Will the slave/submissive have the chance to say no to a command without consequence? Under what circumstances (breaking the law, bodily or psychological harm, etc)?
- Will punishments be used or will partners talk about disobedience? What are the punishments or consequences to disobedience? Will breach of contract dissolve the relationship?
- Will there be consensual non-consent (CNC)? Will the Owner/Dominant be able to order the slave/submissive to do something they wouldn’t normally want?
- Limits: What are the hard limits of all parties? Soft limits? Under what circumstances may those limits change (for instance, when the person who has the limit decides to reopen negotiation)? Can hard limits be added as time goes on?
- Activities: Do you want to list specific activities that are required from any party, or leave it more open ended?
- What will be public and private protocols? (for instance, slave/submissive nude at home, dressed in a way that pleases the Owner/Dominant while out of the house)
- Relationships: Will the people under the contract be allowed to have kinky or sexual play with others? Under what circumstances? Will the Owner/Dominant be able to lend out the sexual or kink services of the slave/submissive (act as a waiter at a party, be used as a demo bottom, sexually please others, etc)
- Under what circumstances can the contract be dissolved?
- How will you handle it if someone’s (Owner/Dominant or slave/submissive) needs aren’t being met?
- How often will you sit down and evaluate the rules and other specifics of the contact, if ever? How will changes to the contract be made? Who can initiate changes?
- How will switching (people who enjoy both Dominant and submissive roles) be handled (if applicable)?
- Will there be a trial contract? How long will it last?
Those points should be enough to get you started on writing your own contract, or at least give an idea of what to think about when doing so.
You don’t have to cover all of those points or you can add any that are important to you. While there are many pre-made contracts available online, I suggest creating your own. Not only will it be more personal, but the act of designing it from scratch can be a wonderful bonding experience.
A contract generally comes later in a kinky relationship, not at the beginning.
It takes time to build trust, to know your partner’s limits and how total you would like your power exchange to be. Many people regard BDSM contracts in the same way as a marriage contract, not something to rush into. Of course, if you find the concepts of contracts erotic, you can have a play contract, that outlines the timing, style or types of play that you will engage in with your partner(s).
BDSM contracts, while not needed, can be fun, intimate and useful for some people. Don’t think you need to have one before you start playing, but if you enjoy the idea, have fun with it. The best thing about BDSM is that there is no ‘one true way’ (we often joke about people who preach ‘true BDSM’) – everyone is free (or not) to play and engage in whatever way they choose.
Using Anal Toys
Anal sex can be a treasure trove of pleasure. Maybe you’ve already explored anal sex (and if you haven’t, check out our article!). Maybe not. Maybe you’re just curious about ways to go about anal play – beads, plugs, vibrators, dildos… there is certainly a lot of choice. Butt plugs are a popular first toy for anal play beginners.
So, what exactly is a butt plug?
A butt plug is a toy that is specifically designed to be inserted into the anus: it has a smaller tip that increases in size to the base, with a flayed end. That flayed end is crucial – that’s what stops the toy from going too far into your butt – yes, that is possible! They can be made with a variety of material: silicone, glass, rubber, vinyl, etc.
How do you choose a butt plug?
For beginners, it is recommended that you start with a small size. Many stores sell “kits” that come with plugs of various sizes that you can work up to as you get more comfortable.
As mentioned above, plugs come in various materials, but we recommend that you purchase a toy in a soft, smooth material like high grade silicone that is both soft and easy to clean. Make sure there are no rips, tears, or sharp edges that could tear the delicate lining of the anus.
We recommend the Little Flirt Butt Plug by Tantus – billed as the least intimidating butt plug for beginners!
For more advanced anal play, consider adding some vibration to your plug.
Tips for Using a Butt Plug
- Lube: Just like with any other kind of anal play, lube is absolutely crucial. The anus does not self-lubricate, so apply your lube of choice liberally. Apply more before removal, since things can get dry quickly. (We recommend this lube.)
- Lots of foreplay: As we discussed in our article on anal sex, the anus is designed to stay tightly closed. Get good and horny before attempting to insert a butt plug.
- Leave it in for only as long as you’re comfortable: Some people like to have a butt plug inside them for the entire duration of sex (or even throughout the day), while others prefer it only for a minute or two. Do whatever is comfortable for you.
Have fun. If you’re not having fun, or it hurts, or you decide you are uncomfortable halfway through, stop. This should be a pleasurable and exciting experience for both parties. If it isn’t, don’t do it.
The Importance of Negotiation in BDSM Play
Negotiation isn’t really a word that a lot of people associate with sexuality. It’s something you do in business or when buying a new car, not when you’re trying to get hot and heavy with someone sexy.
In BDSM, negotiation is very important and one of the first steps in arranging an encounter.
While kinky negotiations will look different for everyone, there are some basics that you should cover. We discussed in our conversation about consent that only a yes means yes, and negotiation is how we get to that yes. We will begin by discussing things that are important in negotiating a play scene.
I always encourage people to be very thorough in negotiating with new BDSM partners – even if you’ve been married for years. If this is a new area of exploration, it’s best to be rather explicit in what you want to get into. As you gain experience with your partner, you may find that you don’t need the same level of negotiation, knowing each others likes and limits means you don’t have to discuss them every time, unless something changes.
No matter how experienced in BDSM you or your partner are, if you are new to each other, detailed negotiation can save a lot of trouble down the road.
The first thing we will talk about are limits. This is a word you will hear often in kinky circles, as people talk about what they are and aren’t into. There are two kinds of limits, hard and soft, and it’s important to communicate these to your partner before any kink activities get started.
Hard limits are things you will not do.
You may not have any interest in the activity, you may find it repugnant or too dangerous. There are a million reasons for an activity to become a hard limit – your reasons are your own and you don’t have to explain them to anyone, unless you want to. If something is listed as a hard limit, by either the Top or bottom, Dominant or submissive, it needs to be respected.
Partners should not beg or harass, pushing to do things on your hard limit list – it is incredibly disrespectful to hound someone about limits, often grounds for the ending of kinky relationships.
Soft limits are things that you may not enjoy, but would be willing to do for the right person.
They could also be an activity that you do enjoy, but that you will only do with people you trust or know well. They could be activities that take a high level of skill or energy, so you won’t engage in them with just anyone. Again, activities on your soft limit list can be anything you want them to be, but let your partner know if they are things you’re interested in exploring with them at this time or not.
Everyone is allowed to have limits – they aren’t just for bottoms! Dominants/Tops can have limits for the same reasons that submissives/bottoms do – they aren’t into an activity, it makes their skin crawl, they don’t have the skill set, etc. No one should ever be shamed for having limits, there are no activities that make one a ‘true’ Top/Dominant or bottom/submissive that everyone must engage in.
Keep in mind that your tastes can change over time and so can your limits.
There may be things you see at the beginning of your kinky journey that freak you out, that after a few years you come to regard as hot. You may fantasise about an activity for years, but after actually trying it, find it’s not what you thought or that you hate it. Think of it like food – many things we hated when we were young are now things we love – our tastes change over time. If or when your limits change, be sure to let your partner(s) know, so that they can adjust their expectations of play accordingly.
A discussion about safe words should also happen – decide if you want to use safe words or plain language to communicate during the scene. If you do want to use safe words, you should agree on which word or words to use and what they will mean for you. Everyone has a different interpretation of safe words, so again, it’s much better to talk about it so you’re on the same page. It can save unwanted pain, both physical and psychological, for everyone involved.
Deciding on which activities you do want to engage in looks different for everyone. Some people choose to fill out BDSM activity checklists (google that phrase to find many examples to use or make your own). Where ‘likes’ overlap you have an idea of what you may want to do together.
Some people will negotiate every activity they want to engage in for a particular scene – covering each implement or action to ensure their partner is consenting. I suggest this type of negotiating with new play partners. Again, once you get to know someone’s play style, you can shift to less detailed negotiation.
One way to do this type of negotiating is to agree on a type of scene – let’s say an impact play scene – then allow the bottom to choose which implements they would like used. The top doesn’t need to use all of those implements, but at least has a general idea of what the bottom is hoping for. This also helps with misunderstandings that can happen.
For instance, if someone agreed to playing with floggers, they may have meant only fur and suede floggers (anticipating a more sensation focused type of play), where I may take it to mean they are ok with all the floggers in my collection – including the metal weighted falls that make even the most eager masochist think twice.
With more established play partners (someone you’ve played with many times and have a good idea of their likes and limits), you can simply negotiate a theme for the scene – impact, sensation, etc. Just be sure to negotiate anything new; toys, limits or anything else that may have changed since your last play time.
Communication is essential to a good relationship and this is especially true when it comes to BDSM relationships. Without consent, our play becomes assault or abuse. While talking about what we want to do or have done to us may be uncomfortable in the beginning, it is an essential skill that those who want to engage in kink should develop. It gets much easier the more you do it and those improved communication skills (and the confidence in them) can have a positive impact on more than just your sex life!
aka Why Women Suddenly Develop Oscar-Worthy Acting Chops in the Bedroom
We read statistics all the time about how often women fake their orgasms (some research suggests up to 80% of women have faked it) – it is such a common joke in pop culture that it’s almost not even funny anymore.
But, the real question isn’t “how often”, but WHY do women fake orgasm?!
Why do we fake something that should be real and raw? What benefit do we perceive as greater than our own sexual satisfaction?
One groundbreaking study of 481 heterosexual college females has suggested that there are 4 main reasons driving women to fake their orgasm:
Altruistic Deceit: faking it to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings
Fear and Insecurity: faking it to avoid negative emotions associated with sex (or insecurity about their own sexual prowess)
Elevated Arousal: the “fake it til you make it” idea – faking it to heighten their arousal to lead to real orgasm
Sexual Adjournment: faking it to end sex
The very obvious flaw in this study is that all the participants were heterosexual.It isn’t clear if the results would directly apply to women who didn’t identify as heterosexual. In fact, the research in the area of non-heterosexual female sexuality is lacking. (Although, anecdotal evidence suggests that lesbians indeed fake orgasm…)
That being said, the most interesting reason to come out of this study is #3 – the idea that by faking our own arousal, we might actually become aroused.
It is certainly the most positive reason – in a very indirect way, it is a form of taking responsibility for your orgasm. Your partner might even respond to your fakery by amping up the intensity, provoking a real orgasm,
However, consistently faking your orgasm for reasons 1, 2, and 4 means there is little room for improvement in your sex life with your partner. (But you probably already knew that, didn’t you?)
So, how do you go from faking it to making it?
Yup, sorry. There is no easy way to go about this.
You have to stop faking it.
If you’re concentrated on your performance, you’re not tuned into your own body enough to experience the sensations that might push you over the edge.
Many women’s arousal stems just as much from their brain as their body (which is why reading erotica can be such a turn on) – so focus your brainpower on yourself.
Can women orgasm in their sleep?
Most people are aware that men have nocturnal emissions (aka wet dreams) – the evidence in the morning is pretty clear. But do women have wet dreams?
Although we may not be left with sticky sheets, we can most definitely experience orgasm during sleep – so yes, women have wet dreams!
In a landmark study in 1953, Alfred Kinsey found that by age 45, 37% of women in the sample had experienced a dream resulting in orgasm. (We like those odds…) And it wasn’t just a one-off (ha!) experience: women who experienced these “sleep-gasms” did so three or four times per year. Interestingly, a more recent 1985 study found the same percentage of the women involved – 37% – had experienced nocturnal emissions.
What is a Sleep-gasm?
It is an orgasm.
Orgasms that occur during sleep are essentially the same as orgasms that occur during wakefulness.
Typically, orgasms occur during “deep” sleep stages and REM sleep. That makes sense: during deep sleep, blood flow is directed towards the muscles – increased blood flow to the genital region mimics what occurs when you get turned on.
And in fact, the increase in vaginal blood flow that occurs during some REM events is identical to the increase in vaginal blood flow that occurs during erotic stimulation when awake.
That also means that nocturnal emissions may not be the direct result of a sexual dream – it could just be the body reaching a physically aroused state during REM sleep, and using orgasm as a natural release of that arousal. That being said, typically sleep orgasms occur during sexual dreams.
The vagina may lubricate, which may be the only evidence that an orgasm occurred during sleep. Some women report that the orgasm wakes them from sleep.
Why Am I Having Orgasms in My Sleep?
Some evidence suggests that
“Positive attitudes toward and knowledge of nocturnal orgasms, sexual liberalism, and waking sexually excited from sleep (without experiencing orgasm) were the most important predictors of nocturnal orgasm experience”
So having sexy dreams that result in orgasm doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your sex life, or that you’re not getting enough sex.
It could just be the result of your sexually liberal brain in REM sleep!
Either way, it’s a very common phenomenon. (And not to worry if you DON’T have sleep-gasms – they aren’t the rainbow unicorn of sex.)
A good vibrator is like a good pair of black pumps: a necessary (and sexy) investment.
I have found my Louboutins of the sex world, sans the excessive price tag: the Lelo Mona 2
The Mona 2 is a G-Spot vibrator, but it is oh, oh, oh so much more.
Reasons to Love It
Mona 2 is a gorgeous little number. It has all the basics covered:
- It’s waterproof: baths are now 100% more fun. Who needs bubbles when you can have orgasms?
- It is rechargeable: no cords needed.
- It is decently quiet, even on the most powerful setting.
- It is made of body safe, medical grade silicone: easy cleaning and safe for use with water-based lubes.
But the Mona 2 is so much more than that.
The shape is contoured perfectly to work either for either clitoral or G-Spot stimulation: the slight curve means you won’t get carpal tunnel massaging your G-Spot, and it hugs you deliciously on your insides. It has a very satisfying girth, which gives you an intoxicatingly full feeling when inserted – there is slight resistance as you start to slide it in, then the smooth shaft slips perfectly into place.
The smooth, rounded tip is just narrow enough to provide pinpoint stimulation on your clit – but with a slight tilt, it is easily angled to provide fuller, surrounding vibrations.
The Vibrations and Power
The controls of the Mona 2
It has 6 vibration patterns – I can honestly only speak to the first 4, since I never make it long enough to test the last 2. There is the standard straight vibration, several variations of pulsing vibrations, and several vibration patterns to ramp up the intensity only to bring it back down.
The patterns take all the effort out of having shattering, phenomenal clitoral orgasms: they combine intense pulsing vibrations with escalating, ramped rumbles to bring you right to the brink, then bring you back again. The buttons on the grip end are effortless to press and cycle through.
The Mona 2 has serious power: cranked up to the highest level, I can feel the vibrations throughout my whole body when it is inside me. I don’t even have to move the Mona 2 – the powerful vibrations stimulate my G-Spot in ways I didn’t think were possible. I would describe the vibrations more as rumbles that echo to every sensitive nerve ending possible.
This vibe is also great for couple play – it isn’t bulky enough to get in the way of anything, and it is intuitive to hold and control.
The only issue I’ve had with this toy is that it can be prone to slide just past my G-Spot if I don’t keep a firm grip on it. I think it has something to do with the shape: it naturally wants to slide in to the narrowest part, which puts the curved head just past the sweet spot. But if you keep it firmly in hand, it doesn’t slide.
The price may seem high to some at $160 – but it is worth every single penny.
This is a high quality toy that you will get many, many sessions about. It is the kind of toy you can’t wait to get home to. Keep it in your bedside table, you’ll want it close by.
Purchase the Mona 2 here.
* CAUTION: This post may serve as a trigger for some individuals..
This is the second post in FYV’s “The 4 W’s of Rape Fantasy” Series. This article seeks to address the “what” aspect: what exactly are rape fantasies? Do women who have them really want to be raped?
- Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.(According to the FBI)
- A sexual act that takes place without proper consent.
That doesn’t sound like fodder for fantasies.
Yet one study in the Journal of Sex Research that evaluated 355 female undergraduates found that
62% of women have had a rape fantasy…For women who have had rape fantasies, the median frequency of these fantasies was about 4 times per year, with 14% of participants reporting that they had rape fantasies at least once a week
Another study from the same journal that evaluated current research on rape fantasies found that
for 9% to 17% of women these are a frequent or favorite fantasy experience.
But what actually is a “rape fantasy”?
First of all, the term “rape fantasy” is not entirely accurate.
Rape in real life is an awful, traumatic, sometimes life threatening experience.
What many women fantasize about is “safe” rape – an oxymoron, to be sure. It essentially means that the dominating partner is driven beyond control by lust or need for the “victim”. There is no element of actual danger, so the traumatic elements are replaced by purely sensual ones.
- Thus the fantasy is not about actually being coerced, of actual forced submission, but the illusion of forced submission.
The fantasy offers validation – the dominating partner is so consumed by the desirability of the “victim” that they are willing to forgo traditional, socially-acceptable forms of sexual interaction simply to satisfy this intense and overwhelming sexual urge.
Fantasy allows us to explore the outer reaches of our sexuality.
In these fantasies, women can experience their sexuality in a raw and primal way, without the very real physical and psychological dangers associated with actual rape. In this way, “rape fantasies” are actually about willing surrender, as opposed to coerced surrender.
In fact, as Leon Seltzer, Ph.D explains in his article ‘Don’t Call Rape Fantasies”, women in rape fantasies retain their power: their own desirability has provoked a response that they then allow to come to fruition.
The fantasies themselves may include things like:
- physical restraint
- not being able to see the dominating partner
- not knowing the dominant partner
- ripping clothing
- rapid penetration
- darkness or a “dangerous” location
… all things regularly found in the genre of romance novels. The key element is that the submission is not associated with real danger, only the illusion of danger.
WOMEN WHO HAVE RAPE FANTASIES DO NOT ACTUALLY DESIRE TO BE RAPED IN REAL LIFE.
They desire the illusion of coercion into powerful sexual interactions where they are dominated by another, without any real peril.
In the next article in this series, FYV discusses the scientific theories on why women have rape fantasies.
This post originally appeared here.
*This post is targeted to heterosexual females and will use heterosexual references and pronouns.
Let’s start off nice and slow with this sensitive subject: Women need to masturbate in order to know their own bodies.
You have one lifetime in this beautiful body, don’t wait – masturbate!
If you feel like it’s dirty or sneaky to do this without your husband/lover, then ask him if he’d mind if you worked on achieving stronger orgasms when he wasn’t home so that you could be a better lover. Who would say no to that? Loving partners want a sexual encounter to be magical and that takes two explosive reactions; not one. Sex needs balance and one orgasm is just off balance- you need to do your part to even things out! You have the power, but if you rarely (or never) have an orgasm during intercourse, then you’re not going to one day figure it out in the midst of the action. You need to do your homework and prepare in advance.
Special message to those who say “sometimes I climax-if the planets align and he does X, Y, and Z for 25 minutes” then you need to masturbate, too! You need to figure out exactly what your body requires so it’s not left to luck.
The point of this whole post is to remind you: You are the boss of your own body.
No one “gives” you an orgasm. You join an intimate contract with your man when you both agree to engage in a physical expression of your love. At no point should your physical pleasure just randomly pop up like a surprise bouquet of flowers. Instead, it should be as thought out as the emerald cut diamond engagement ring that you picked out and had sized to fit you perfectly. He can still buy it and place it on your finger, but there was some work involved by both parties.
Your climax or Moment of Euphoric Transcendence (MET) must be initiated and orchestrated by YOU. Your partner is there to facilitate your climactic moment, not to discover it in the back closet of your libido in a dusty box under a bag of clothes ready for Goodwill.
You are the boss of your body!
Said a different way: Your man knows how to have an orgasm. Every time. He is not dependent on you to figure out what position or scenario will make him achieve his MET. He will move and grab and guide your body until it is in harmony with his. He is the boss of his own body and he knows exactly how to use all the tools in his toolbox; especially his sexual tools. He won’t look at you with a dependent, figure-out-how-to-make-me-climax gaze. And aren’t you glad? Do you want a lover who knows what he wants and joyfully includes you in the process? Yes! Do you know why he is so attuned to his body?
Because he has spent hours and hours masturbating!
This started long before you entered his life; the teen years are a busy time of experimentation and ejaculation for males. He learned all the ways he can reach MET and has become confident in his ability to achieve MET every time he tries. That confidence is important, too. Just knowing that you can, makes it easier for you to replicate that result.
In The Case of the Female Orgasm (Harvard University Press), researcher Elisabeth Lloyd found that only 25% of women report they consistently have an orgasm during sex.
Ladies, we have no excuse other than our own laziness. With 24 hours in a day, you can spend a mere 20-30 minutes on your orgasm until you can get to MET in less than 5 minutes. Experiment with things that may turn you on: sexy music, water (shower, hot tub jets), standing naked in front of a mirror, porn (print or internet), erotic lit, etc.
I have to laugh when I think about a post like this for men.
It would be absurd to talk to men about how they need to learn how to achieve an orgasm. They would love a homework assignment that asked them to take time out of each day to masturbate; whereas, many women probably cringed when I suggested it for them. People would assume a male-orgasm post was a joke or a clever satire piece.
So why is this message necessary for women?
Because of fricking fairy tales, that’s why! We all would love to surrender the responsibility of our rescue to a handsome knight in shining armor or his buddy, Prince Charming. Sure we can be sassy and gutsy during the day, but it does feel nice to let someone else take over and drive the car during sex. They swoop in and resolve the situation; at least that’s our hope.
The fact that men like this role to a point is also important to consider. They love the idea of being there for us, giving us what we need that no one else can provide. That’s a big burden when it comes to the sometimes complex and/or elusive female orgasm. Men want to feel successful and you can help them achieve that goal by doing your part. Men shouldn’t try their hardest and then see your polite “it’s fine, honey” smile at the finish line.
The American Psychological Association found that 90% of men want their partner to have an orgasm.
They want to go on the adventure with you that ends with your eyes wide open (or shut), screaming or crying, sweating, panting, clawing, slapping, etc and then finally knock-out asleep. If you have MET goals, you should add “passing out in blissful slumber” to the list. You’re allowed to fly so high that you crash from exhaustion. No worries about cuddling afterwards- you both know how you feel about each other. Love has been expressed physically, you don’t have to belabor the point.
It’s time to move beyond the cerebral components of this argument for masturbation and get carnal. Let that sacral chakra know who’s boss. You need to figure out what makes you tick so that you can show your man how to wind you up. Learn what pleasure feels like in your own body so you’ll be able to recognize and nurture it when your body has become interdependent with another body.
Orgasms can heal the world, but I’ll save that rant for next time.
Aka Spring Cleaning Your Sex Toys
Sex toys are wonderful things. (In fact, here are 6 toys that we think are particularly wonderful.)
But they can also be very, very bad.
Toys that aren’t kept nice and clean can harbour all kinds of bacteria. That makes sense – they go into some pretty juicy, flora-filled places. By not paying attention to the hygiene of your toys, you or your partner could end up with a yeast infection, UTI, and STI… not so sexy. So, clean your sex toys!
But before you bust out the bleach, you should make sure you’re using the best cleaning method for your particular toy. (Which, by the way, is NOT bleach.)
If you use lube with your toys, be aware of what type of lube you use.
- Water-based lube (like this one): Can be used on any toy! Easy on, easy off. It doesn’t degrade toys, is totally body safe, and still keeps things slick.
- Silicone-based lube: this can be used on toys made of hard substances (like glass, marble, and hard plastic). DO NOT use on silicone or jelly based toys – the silicone molecules will want to join together, resulting in the lube and toy melting together like goo.
- Oil-based lubes: Do not use on toys. Getting oil off of the toy will require using harsh, alcohol-based substances that not only degrade the toy itself, they aren’t good for the body!
The material of your toy will determine the best way to clean it.
- Jelly: Since jelly is extremely porous, jelly toys can’t be totally disinfected. Wash with lukewarm water (not boiling water, which can sort of melt the jelly), and mild soap with no fragrance. We definitely recommend using a body-safe sex toy cleaner.
- Rubber/Latex: Lukewarm water and mild soap. Ensure you get the soap off, because soap will degrade the toy if left on for long periods.
- Cyberskin: Same as jelly toys.
- Silicone: Wash with mild soap and pat dry – these toys are easy keepers.
- Stainless Steel or Pyrex: if the toy doesn’t have batteries, you can throw it in the dishwasher (just make sure you don’t use dishwasher soap, since that’s usually pretty harsh. The hot water is good enough!) Honestly, any cleaning method works for these babies.
Maintain your toys in good condition.
Cracks, chips, and scratches in your toys can turn into prime habitat for harmful bacteria. Inspect them regularly to make sure sure there isn’t any damage.
Although there are more and more reputable adult stores, not everyone enjoys the idea of aimlessly browsing for sex toys in the company of strangers. Luckily, there’s the Internet. We’ve taken the liberty of compiling the coolest sex toys that you might actually use – so you don’t even have to leave your house! You’re welcome.
1. The We-Vibe 4
Solo or Couple: Both
Why It’s Awesome: There it an app. The shape of the We-Vibe 4 may not fit every couple’s anatomy perfectly enough to be used as it was intended (inside you during intercourse), but the remote capabilities more than make up for that. The vibe can be controlled via a smartphone app from anywhere in the world – suddenly being apart won’t be so hard anymore.
The possibilities are endless…
Buy It Here!
2. Nuo Vibrating Butt Plug by Je Joue
Solo or Couple: Both
Why It’s Awesome: The app. Yup, this one has an app too! Except this toy is specifically designed for anal play. It isn’t so large as to be intimidating for newbies, but offers much satisfaction for those more experienced in anal sex. Smooth, silky, and vibrating – it is the perfect anal toy.
Buy It Here!
3. Leaf Vitality 2
Solo or Couple: Solo
Why It’s Awesome: There are 2 arms – one for the vagina, one for the clit. Although that in itself is wonderful, the greatest thing about this toy is that both arms are controlled separately! Need strong clit vibrations but weaker ones inside? No problem!
Buy It Here!
4. Shunga Edible Body Paint in “Strawberry Wine”
Solo or Couple: Couple
Why It’s Awesome: The flavour is unreal. It doesn’t have the icky, slightly-plasticky candy store fake taste that most flavoured lubes have. The delicious fruity flabour just makes you want to keep on licking… the effects of which your partner will most definitely appreciate. If you’re apprehensive about oral, slather this stuff on and slurp away.
Buy It Here!
5. The UMA by Ju Joue
Solo or Couple: Solo
Why It’s Awesome: Purrrrfectly deep and powerful vibrations, and the best shape for optimal g-spot stimulation without hurting your wrist. It doesn’t require pushing down on the handle to hit that sweet spot, so your wrists will thank you. That shape is so perfect, it even pulls at your g-spot deliciously on the back-stroke, too.
Buy It Here!
6. Melting Candle Massage Oil by Booty Parlour
Solo or Couple: Couple
Why It’s Awesome: It can be lit as a regular candle during a romantic dinner, and by the time you’re in the mood it has melted into a warm, deliciously smooth massage oil. It smells as amazing as it feels, and skin is left silky rather than sticky. Perfect for the slow burn.
Buy It Here!
aka Now You’re Actually Going to Have Anal
You thought about it, you prepared for it (but you didn’t douche, right?!), and now it’s actually time. It’s actually time to put something (a penis, a toy, whatever) into your butt. Obviously you want to make sure this goes well, that it is actually pleasurable for both parties, and that no one is hurt.
The outer anal sphincter (the one you can control) is in a constant state of contraction, designed to keep the anal canal closed. That means that you need to be extremely relaxed and comfortable for those muscles to release. How do you relax? FOREPLAY. Kissing, stroking, petting, whatever gets you to your happy place. This is not a quick operation. Unless you’re relaxed, those muscles are going to want to stay nice and tight.
Your anus isn’t like your vagina: it isn’t designed to stretch and lubricate when you’re aroused. The specialized tissue that lines the anus and anal canal has no hairs, sweat glands, or oil glands, and it contains a larger number of sensory nerves than skin. So without lots of lube to make the area very wet, that tissue is very easily torn (and that will hurt much more than cutting your skin).
If you need more lube, more foreplay, or need to slow things down, SAY SO. This obviously applies to any kind of sexual interaction, but because this may be unfamiliar territory for one or both partners, and because the risk of injury is greater, communication is even more key here. Definitely discuss boundaries before hand. Maybe you even want a safe word!
Don’t Do it Doggy
When most people think of anal sex, they think of getting down on their hands and knees and thrusting their ass to the sky. Sure, that can work. But for the first time, that’s very overwhelming. You’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, which may make you nervous. And remember, nervous = tight anus = pain. Try a position where you have equal control of the depth and speed of penetration: spooning, or good ole missionary with your hips lifted (by a pillow, for example.)
Vaginal flora is very particular (which is why we don’t douche, remember?). Introducing things from the anal canal to the vagina is likely to lead to infections. Bacteria that is perfectly healthy in the anal canal is not meant to be in the vagina. So once you’ve put something in your butt (toy, penis, fingers, whatever), avoid putting it in your vagina.
Have fun. If you’re not having fun, or it hurts, or you decide you are uncomfortable halfway through, stop. This should be a pleasurable and exciting experience for both parties. If it isn’t, don’t do it.
aka What the hell is “female ejaculate?!”
You may have seen it in porn, or you may have experienced it yourself: the expelling of copious amounts of liquid through the urethra during orgasm, generally after the stimulation of the front wall of the vagina (aka the “G spot”).
Otherwise known as “squirting”.
The female sexual experience seems to be much more convoluted than the male sexual experience – large parts of our experience is hidden from view, for starters. It is surprising, therefore, that there is controversy surrounding the phenomenon of “female ejaculation”: here is a very visible sign of the sexual experience, and we still aren’t sure what it is or how it is produced! Because there are so many theories out there, we thought we would break them down.
Theory 1: Squirting is Urine
The fluid that is squirted comes from the urethra, so it makes sense that it could be urine. Since urine comes from the bladder, one recent study conducted pelvic ultrasound scans on 7 women after they peed, and during sexual stimulation (both before and after squirting). They found that during sexual stimulation, the recently emptied bladder filled very rapidly, and was empty again after squirting occurred.
To be sure, urine samples were analyzed before sexual stimulation, and after squirting occurred. Urine contains urea, ceratinine, and uric acid: all of which were found in both the samples taken before sexual stimulation, and the squirted fluid. However, prostatic-specific antigen (PSA), a compound secreted by the Skene’s glands (which are often referred to as the “female prostate”), was also found in the squirted fluids of 5/7 of the women.
Why this theory is problematic:
- Many women and their partners report that the fluid that is squirted during orgasm does not smell, look, or taste like urine.
- Women say the sensation of squirting feels nothing like voiding their bladder
- The study used only 7 women – that is a very small sample size
Although the sample size is small, the evidence is extremely convincing. The bladder was empty, filled up again very rapidly, and then was empty again.
Where did all that fluid go, if not out through the urethra?
The fact that the squirted fluid doesn’t smell, look, or taste like urine could be due to the fact that it is extremely diluted – the bladder fills so quickly that there isn’t time for the waste to accumulate in the urine. The highly diluted urine is mixed with PSA from the Skene’s glands when it exits the urethra, which could also contribute to the differing taste and smell.
Theory 2: Squirting is not Urine
The Skenes glands. (Photo from here)
Some studies purport that the fluid squirted during sexual stimulation is produced in the Skene’s glands (the female prostate), and is not, in fact, urine.
According to this study, the glands have long ducts that lead to the urethra. This leads to the possibility that the fluid squirted during sexual stimulation could have been produced in these glands, and travel to the urethra to be ejaculated. In this case, the squirted fluid would be mostly prostate secretions like PSA.
Why this theory is problematic:
- The Skene’s glands are very small – it is unlikely they could produce and store the amount of fluid that is often squirted
As this OB/GYN states:
the Skene’s glands are tiny, about the size of a pea, and are just not physiologically capable of producing any more than a few milliliters of fluid at best
Although the wet spots many women experience are due to the secretions from the Skene’s glands, it seems unlikely that the copious amounts of liquid some women squirt could be produced from these tiny glands.
Theory 3: “Female Ejaculate” is Not Urine, but “Squirt” IS
This theory is mostly semantics. Some studies say that there needs to be a distinction made between the secretions that come from the Skene’s glands, and the large amounts of squirted fluid that comes from the urethra during sexual stimulation.
One study explains:
“…female ejaculation is the release of a very scanty, thick, and whitish fluid from the female prostate, while the squirting is the expulsion of a diluted fluid from the urinary bladder”
Secretions from Skene’s glands = female ejaculate (likely named since the Skene’s glands are often called the “female prostate”): milky, whitish, small quantity.
Squirted fluid = dilute urine: clear, larger quantity.
WHY DO WE CARE?
What do we even want to answer the question: “what is squirting”?
- Many women feel inadequate because they cannot squirt. Understanding what squirting really is might help them realize that it isn’t the magical unicorn of sexual experience.
- In our mind, more research is needed about the female sexual experience in general, so we see this research as a step in the right direction.
That being said, we don’t NEED to care.
If you squirt – is it pleasurable? Is it fun?
Then who cares what the chemical composition of the squirt is, or where it comes from?!
In fact, if it is diluted urine, does that make it any less a part of the sexual experience? (As in: “Oh, it’s just pee. That’s not sexy.”) No, of course not. It is no grosser or more weird than semen.
If it’s pleasurable and fun, keep squirtin! (If it bothers you, or you think it might be indicative of other physiological problems, see your doctor!) If you have never squirted, don’t worry, you’re not any less of a sexual creature.
The Importance of Safe Words in BDSM Play
One of the best known things surrounding BDSM is the safe word. In kinky circles, the use and necessity of safe words are often debated. In this article, we will take a look at safe words, whether you need them and when to use them. This isn’t meant to cover all instances of safe word use, nor all the subtleties involved, but simply to give a general overview.
The easiest way to let your partner know what’s going on with you is to communicate in plain language. Checking in and communicating is essential to many play scenes. People should feel able to talk to their partners during a scene: to talk about how they are feeling and indicate if something is wrong. However, there are times when this is not possible or appropriate, which is when safe words (or signals) come into play.
If you are engaging in consensual non-consent (CNC) or resistance play, you may want to use a safe word.
CNC and resistance play can refer to scenes where the Top ‘forces’ the bottom to perform activities, and the bottom resists (verbally or physically). These activities are negotiated beforehand, so the resistance is more role-play than genuine distress.
Safe words allow partners to engage in this type of play, where the bottom may be saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’. The Top then knows that they can continue in their actions, even overcoming resistance, without having to figure out if the bottom really wants them to stop. If the safe word is used, the Top then knows to check in and find out what the bottom wants or needs.
Safe words are also very useful when engaging in many types of pain play.
A well known line in the kink world is “ouch is not a safe word”. A bottom receiving intense pain play will often say/yell things that would make us think twice about continuing. I’ve been called a bitch (and much worse) by bottoms while in one of my sadistic moods. I know that they are simply processing the sensation rather than genuinely upset with me in part because they aren’t using their safe word.
Of course, if a Top is ever unsure about the reactions a bottom is having, it’s best to check in using plain language!
Safe words are also used in public dungeons and many private play parties.
This is one of the ways dungeon monitors (DMs) can keep track of play. You wouldn’t want a monitor stopping your scene to make sure everything is ok, just because one of the people involved is role playing distress. While it is a general rule that you must let the DM know that you will be engaging in this type of play before hand, they do expect a certain amount of dramatic yelping during play. A DM will step in (or should step in) if they hear a safe word used and the Top doesn’t stop play to check in with the bottom.
If a bottom is gagged or unable to speak for any reason, safe signals can be used.
A safe signal is a non-verbal cue that takes the place of the safe word. Safe signals can be whatever you agree on, as long as everyone involved is clear on what they mean. Tapping out is probably the most well known signal and it works great if partners are close to each other or able to use their hands. Dropping a ball or an item that will make noise is another common signal to use and works well if partners have some distance between them.
Likewise, safe words can be any word (or combination of words) that you would be unlikely to use during sex or play. At parties there are usually house safe words – ones that all participants are expected to use so that the DMs can identify when a safe word is used. Common ones include:
- ‘safe word’
- the traffic light system of ‘yellow’ and ‘red’ (with yellow meaning slow/ease up and red meaning stop)
Feel free to create your own safe words, but I prefer to use these as they are easy to remember or say and understood by kinky people everywhere.
A safe word should be used if play is getting too intense, but that’s not the only time it’s applicable.
Bottoms can indicate that they have a muscle cramp, for example, or that there is an issue with bondage that needs adjusting. Safe words can also indicate a withdrawal of consent – if the bottom changes their mind about the planned play, they can revoke the consent they previously gave by using their safe word. When I play, a safe word is reason for a check in, where what is said will be taken at face value. My partner can tell me that something needs to be adjusted, that they want to continue, but without me using a specific implement that is becoming too much or that they want to stop our scene for whatever reason.
Safe words are not just for bottoms, Tops can use them as well. Most of the time though, Tops simply stop the scene or change what’s needed instead of using a safe word. They are able to do this because they are directing the play.
When a person uses a safe word, they should never be ridiculed for it.
BDSM isn’t a competition and bottoms aren’t expected to just take whatever a top decides to dish out. A safe word should not be looked at as a bad thing, but rather for the tool of communication it is. Having a safe word in place doesn’t do much good if the bottom is afraid to use it or too proud to use one when it’s needed. As a Top, I rely on my bottom to use a safe word (or otherwise communicate with me) when they need to do so. As much as they trust me to stick to our negotiated play and keep them safe, I trust that they will let me know if something is wrong.
Again, safe words are optional, use them if and when you see fit. Safe words are not a magic word, they only work if the people playing respect their use. They are another way that partners can use to communicate. Be sure that you cover the use of safe words in your negotiation before play and don’t assume that everyone uses them or uses the same words.
In the spirit of Friday the 13th, we thought we’d share 3 of the weirdest sex superstitions out there.
Stormy weather ahead
According to one apparently Korean superstition, babies who are conceived during stormy weather will have stormy, problematic lives – so the idea is, don’t have sex during a storm.
However, it appears many North Americans do not share this superstition, since “storm babies” are a common joke in labour and delivery departments.
Interestingly, in a paper entitled “The Fertility Effect of Catastrophe: U.S. Hurricane Births” from 2007, it was determined that
…low-severity storm advisories are associated with a positive and significant fertility effect and that high-severity advisories have a significant negative fertility effect. […] most of the changes in fertility resulting from storm advisories come from couples who have had at least one child already.
So maybe it’s alright to have sex in a “minor” storm, but not a big scary one.
No sex, period.
If women aren’t consciously monitoring their sexual arousal, they may actually feel more aroused during the later days of menstruation, according to one study. Those women will just have to suck it up then, because apparently, those who have sex with a menstruating woman will either a) lose all their hair or b) become infertile.
(Some brave souls have suggested that this superstition came about because ancient women became particularly enraged during certain points of their menstrual cycle, and might therefore have been prone to ripping out their partners hair or cutting off their genitals. But this is pure heresay, and comes dangerously close to stereotyping, so we call bullshit.)
Big mouth, big “lips”
We’ve all heard the superstition that men with big feet often have big …shoes (which is really just a euphemism for penis, right?). What about women: are there any telltale signs of genital size or condition? According to the Encyclopedia of Superstitions, women with big mouths have big lips… vaginal lips, that is (see what we did there?). Now, it isn’t clear if “mouth” is meant in a literal or figurative sense – are they implying that loud women have big labias? Or that woman with pout’s like Angelina have big labias?
I guess we’ll never know.
Although these superstitions are far more interesting than black cats and broken mirrors, they are all just that: superstitions.
So feel free to have all kinds of stormy period sex.
There is no doubt that 50 Shades of Grey is an international phenomenon. The books, and now the movie, has brought BDSM into the bedrooms of many more people than ever before, but how can you act out these fantasies? We have been exploring the safety surrounding this topic with our BDSM 101 series with Ms Morgan Thorne, but we thought that you could use a little inspiration. We scoured Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram before we came across this sexy photography series from a team in Ottawa, Canada; how could we not share it with you?
Presenting 50 Shades of Mr. Charette:
The Team Behind The Images:
I discovered my passion for photography thanks to my father; I admire his work enormously. I decided to explore the dimension photographer in January 2015 when I went on a trip to cuba and voila! I became an avid photographer! Also, I discovered my dimension as a model during the last 4 years. I love organizing photoshoots; I am very artistic and always full of ideas. Photography, for me, is passion!
Model and Photographer
I have been a photographer since 2007; I specialize in event and sport photography. Occasionally I model, but I prefer to be behind the camera!
The joy of photography it allows me to express myself—my opinions and beliefs. “Everything has its beauty, everybody has its secret, everyone has its littlThe joy of photography it allows me to express myself—my opinions and beliefs. “Everything has its beauty, everybody has its secret, everyone has its little miracle to reveal. I’m always trying to capture that.” from the present momente miracle to reveal. I’m always trying to capture that.” from the present moment
Freezing the present moment in the form of photography is a real pleasure for me. I have been taking pictures for two years and for me; this is a real passion of mine.
Me a visual art That leaves the bodies Expression about a thousand and one being white as an artistic person I always loved the photo and picture The picture is payable on all forms . Me servant of my visual asset I get a FIND DIFFERENT angles For Models That Which Adds new opportunities for photos.
Today is National Narcolepsy Awareness Day in Canada (also known as Suddenly Sleepy Saturday in the United States) and in honor of that fact we reached out to NAPS: Narcolepsy Awareness Programs and Services to request a guest post on how living with this rare sleep disorder can affect dating and sexual relationships.
Everyone deals with their own share of problems in the bedroom. Many women feel alone, because certain glossy magazines purport that achieving a stunning and satisfactory sex life is as simple as cooking bacon for your partner in lingerie. This is not the case, as many women well know. One woman has been dealing with the unique effects of her health condition on her sex life, and decided to share her story with us. Narcolepsy and sex – This goes well, well beyond being “too tired for sex“.
Narcolepsy Not So Sexy
I have Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. What this means for me, is that my body has no way of regulating sleep and wake cycles, so I am left with some pretty interesting symptoms. The 5 main symptoms of Narcolepsy with Cataplexy are:
–EDS (Excessive Daytime Sleepiness): This symptom causes an unusual amount of fatigue throughout the day and can result in sleep episodes that feel like an irresistible urge to sleep.
-Cataplexy: Thought to be REM sleep behaviour that intrudes into wakefulness, this symptom causes a complete lack of muscle tone in everywhere but my diaphragm and eyes. It is the function that paralyzes the average person during sleep to protect them from acting out their dreams. It is triggered by strong emotions such as laughter, surprise, fear, etc. (I will come back to this, as it was the main culprit in my sex life for a long time)
-Hypnagogic Hallucinations: quite simply, dreaming while you’re still awake. This symptom can cause visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations upon waking or falling asleep.
-Sleep Paralysis: this symptom occurs upon waking, and feels like a heavy weight is sitting on your chest. This symptom can be accompanied by hypnagogic hallucinations.
-Disrupted nighttime sleep: pretty self-explanatory. People with Narcolepsy have sleep that intrudes into wakefulness and wakefulness often intrudes upon sleep. Our bodies have no natural internal clock.
So there I was, a young adult in what was supposed to be my physical prime. My early twenties were straight out of a comedy of errors. I would have several episodes of cataplexy every day, which not only resulted in a huge shift in priorities but concerns for my safety (and sexual safety) as well. When I finally felt comfortable enough to share that part of myself in a relationship, it was not without its challenges.
When I met members of the opposite sex, I felt I had to disclose certain parts of myself that I wouldn’t be able to explain in the heat of the moment. There were awkward questions, of course. I had just discovered that when I was close to having an orgasm, my entire body would collapse underneath of (or even more embarrassingly on top of) my partner. I was awake for these cataplexy episodes, unable to do anything except try to look away and will my muscles to be within my control again. There were people that I knew I was never going to have sex with based on the question “If you have an episode should I keep going?”.
Then came treatment. Finally I had a medication to help get my stubborn brain into submission. The only problem was that it was a drug called Xyrem. More commonly known as GHB – gamma-hydroxybuterate, or quite simply, the date rape drug. I thought I had problems with Cataplexy! Never was I more suggestible or in a sexier mood than the time I spent on that medication. It had it’s own awkward set of questions. “Can I accidentally rape you?” “How do I know if you actually want to have sex?”. If you’re curious, the answers are “No” and “Because I said so!” respectively. Using Xyrem also meant that I was likely to fall asleep before I had the full experience of the drug’s ability to put me in the mood. (Cue another set of facepalm- worthy questions and explanations.)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that sex can be complicated enough without having to worry about a sleep disorder as one of your bed partners. Since my time on Xyrem I have opted to use other, less expensive medications and I have found that my sex life has become significantly less embarrassing over the years.
I am now in a long-term relationship with a person who accepts me for who I am and celebrates the milestones I achieve, both in the Narcolepsy community and as an individual – separate from any disorder or diagnosis.
Orgasms are fantastic.
We could just leave it at that, but you already know that. Let’s go a little deeper; there are some pretty convincing studies out there about the health benefits of orgasms
Orgasms help calm you down, which can lead to better sleep. Climax is followed by the release of certain endorphins that help you to relax.
Orgasms are natural pain-relievers: oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin levels surge during climax. This both significantly increases your pain tolerance, and acts as a pain-killer. Certain types of headaches seem to be reduced after orgasm, and this is likely why.
Orgasm can help prevent cervical infection and UTIs: during orgasm, the cervix “tents” open – this pulls the mucous lining within the cervix into the vagina. This essentially flushes out the old lining and gets rid of anything trapped in the mucous that shouldn’t be there.
This classic study found the following:
…masturbators had significantly more orgasms, greater sexual desire, higher self-esteem, and greater marital and sexual satisfaction, and required less time to sexual arousal
Who doesn’t want to be calmer, better rested, in less pain, with a healthier cervix and more self esteem?
With those benefits in mind, we are creating:
THE 30 DAY ORGASM CHALLENGE.
- You must orgasm every day, at least once, for 30 days.
That’s it. We honestly don’t care how or where, just that you orgasm at least once a day; It can be a quick thirty second jaunt with a vibrator, or an hour long love fest with your partner. We would love if you kept track of your orgasms: how you felt before, during, and after, how you were brought to orgasm, any other effects you notice during the 30 days.
For those who struggle with climaxing, we will totally accept any kind of sexual pleasure – whether self-love or with a partner – as part of the challenge.
Sometimes it feels like sex (solo or not) takes a back seat to the rest of life. There is hardly enough time in the day to breathe, never mind get aroused (that takes work), and orgasm. But that’s an important part of embracing your sexuality: realizing that you deserve to orgasm. It isn’t just something to do when you have a spare moment.
Why Consent Is King In BDSM Play
BDSM has been in the spotlight because of the recent release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie, and has had more attention paid to it in the last few years because of the books by the same name. As a long time practitioner of BDSM and a kinky educator who has taught all over North America, I wanted to both see what all the fuss was about and share some of my knowledge on the subject. I recently sat down and read the first book (the one the movie is based on) by E. L. James.
This series of articles will be inspired by the book – the things that people just starting out on a kinky path should know about what it is we do (WIIWD).
Consent is the foundation of BDSM and it’s also one of the areas where the books are criticized the most. It seemed as good a place as any to start.
Let’s start with a basic definition.
Consent is permission to do something or to allow something to be done. It is an agreement between all parties involved. There are different types of consent, depending on the situation and needs of those involved.
- Implied consent is the assumption of consent, perhaps because consent had been given in the past or because actions lead to the presumption of consent. People in the BDSM community are not fans of implied consent – it is generally not acceptable when it comes to sex or kink and it certainly doesn’t meet the legal threshold in those areas either. Now, when a couple (or triad, quad, etc) have been together for a long time, they will often ask for and get consent in non-verbal ways – a sultry look is answered with a passionate kiss, for example. It is important to note that people just starting out with a new person or new activity should not rely on implied consent – asking for and getting affirmative or express consent is essential.
- Affirmative or express consent is asked for and given explicitly – verbally, in writing or with a gesture – thumbs up, a nod or by signing. In kinky contexts, getting affirmative or express consent can be fun and part of the play. Having a partner beg for something not only shows that they want it, but it can be pretty hot!
Implied consent is doing something and waiting to hear a no if the person isn’t into it. Affirmative or express consent is getting a clear yes before proceeding.
Consent doesn’t mean anything unless all parties are aware of the possible risks, benefits and consequences of an action, known as informed consent. In BDSM, this means that both the top (dominant, Master/Mistress, etc) and the bottom (submissive, slave, etc) know enough about an activity to understand what could go wrong, since we will assume that the benefits are satisfaction (sexual or otherwise), happiness or pleasure – ours or our partners. Since the top is the person performing the action, they should be knowledgeable enough in the activity that they can share information about risks and consequences with the bottom.
If I want to do a spanking scene with someone, I need to ask them and have them say yes before I can just hit them. I need to tell them that the risks of hand spanking are minimal and the consequences are a potentially bruised ass. Now, things can be done to minimize the consequences (proper warm up, not hitting as hard, stopping at the first signs of bruising), but it’s still a possible outcome.
Consent can be withdrawn at any point.
The bottom can decide that the spanking I’m giving is more intense than they wanted, they started to feel ill or that they’re not as into it as they thought they would be. If consent is withdrawn, even in the middle of play, it is the top’s responsibility to stop immediately. Consent is withdrawn by saying ‘no’ or by using a safe word, whatever the people involved decide.
When asking for and giving consent, a person has to be sober.
This means not drunk, not high and no altered states of mind.
BDSM and booze/drugs don’t mix, since informed, express consent becomes difficult or impossible and because sobriety is needed by both parties to engage in SM safely. A wasted top could easily lose control and play too hard, an impaired bottom may not realise that something is causing unintended pain or harm. Since everyone’s limits for intoxicants are different, each person needs to decide what they are comfortable with.
Personally, I won’t play with a new person if either of us have had even one drink. For regular partners, I will make an exception to this, but only if we have had two or fewer drinks over a few hours and the play is a low risk activity. These are my limits, YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary).
Re-negotiating activities mid-play can be problematic.
While playing endorphins are often released, subs can enter what is referred to as ‘subspace’, tops can also experience ‘topspace’ (more on these concepts in later articles). Subspace can affect a person’s perception of pain, it can also make them more amenable to suggestion or willing to do something they wouldn’t normally do. Topspace can affect a person’s perception of their own skill level or make it harder to maintain the precise control needed to be a safe top. Adding activities or renegotiating the terms of play while either person is in this headspace is potentially unethical and dangerous.
Consent is invalid if a person has been coerced to agree to an activity, by threats (I won’t love you if you don’t do X), social pressure (but everyone’s doing X!) or nagging (want to do X? How about now? Now?).
Consent is only valid if it is given freely.
Non-kinky power imbalances can also affect consent. It’s why (real life) teacher/student affairs are looked down upon – the student may feel unspoken pressure to consent. These things can happen in the BDSM world too, a person may feel pressure to play with a popular community leader, educator or celebrity.
A form of pressure that is often seen in kinky circles is the insinuation that if a person doesn’t do X, they are not a ‘true’ submissive/dominant/bottom/top.
Saying “a real submissive would…” or “a true dominant would…” is unfair and untrue. Tops & bottoms, submissives & dominants are all allowed to have limits – things they will not do – and just because a person is into an activity, doesn’t mean they are into it with you.
Consent is an in depth topic, one that kinky people talk about often. These discussions are also seen in the wider, non-kinky world too. Schools are considering teaching affirmative or express consent. People are moving away from the ‘no means no’ model to ‘yes means yes’.
By adopting this affirmative/express model of consent, we are helping to ensure we have more satisfying encounters with our partners and that we only engage in activities with people who really want to.
AKA why being too tired for sex is a legitimate thing.
It’s isn’t just a lame excuse to avoid sex because you are wearing a t-shirt that looks like it hasn’t been washed in 3 years, or because you had cheese for lunch and are now farting toxic gas, or because your partner is actually having sex with their boss…
Don’t read too far into it. 1 in 4 Americans say they are too sleep deprived for sex.
Think about it: do you want to go to that restaurant you’ve been trying to get a reservation at for about a year when you’ve just had the longest day of your life? No, of course not. You’d be too tired to enjoy it properly: the food just won’t taste as good when you can hardly keep your eyes open. Same principle applies to sex.
Being tired is a distraction.
There are many, many reasons someone might be too tired for sex.
Some of the obvious reasons:
- Mental exhaustion: prolonged stress can zap your physical energy like a leech. Dealing with anxiety at work, for example, means that by the time you get home, you find you hardly have enough energy to put your pajamas on. It also means your mental capacity for sex is much diminished – and yes, sex is mental, too.
- Too much exercise: If you outdid yourself at the gym the other day, you may literally just not have the strength for sex! That applies to highly physical jobs like construction too. Aching muscles and burning limbs are not conducive to sex.
Some of the not so obvious reasons:
So give yourself or your partner a break if one of you is “too tired” – no eye rolling, no big sighs, no dramatic rolling over and brooding. There are legitimate and understandable reasons for being too tired for sex!
aka So, you want to try anal sex.
That’s great. Toys, fingers, penises… all can result in wonderful feelings and much satisfaction when placed correctly (or not, that’s fine too. No one says you have to like it, or even want to try it. But, you’re here, so you probably do.)
We’ll just state the obvious, here. Everybody shits. Despite the many products out there to mask the evidence of said bodily functions – the most hilarious of which being Poo-Pourri – it doesn’t change the truth. You obviously already know this.
But there is no shame in wanting to stay as far away from the accidental shit-under-someone’s-fingernails dream that leaves you in a cold sweat. Every advice column ever will tell you that you need to relax to enjoy anal of any kind, so clenching your ass in fear of fecal matter ending up on your butt plug will ensure the experience is less than enjoyable.
So, what’s the solution? How do you prepare for anal sex so you aren’t busy worrying about poop?
DO. NOT. DOUCHE.
“But it’s only water!”
Don’t do it. Even using “only” water carries too many risks to make it worth it. Your rectum has a mucous lining that is CRUCIAL in maintaining bowel health, and douching, can wreck that lining and open the door for infection. Not to mention the potential for tearing – yeah, just think about that for a while.
We know that lots of people swear by douching, but we honestly can’t, in good faith, tell you to do it. (And likely, neither will your health professional)
So how do you “prepare” for anal sex? You wash your butthole with a warm washcloth.
That’s it, that’s all. Use a mild, unscented soap in the shower if you want, but you really don’t need to do much more than that.
If you have a healthy bowel, your rectum empties totally every time you poo. Feces doesn’t enter your rectum until it is about to be expelled, so unless you hold it in for too long, or aren’t getting enough fiber, there shouldn’t be much left in there after you poop.
Ok, so you bused out the washcloth and feel fresh as a cucumber.
Now on on to part 2 – having anal sex!
In part 1 of this series, we banished the bullshit that men want sex all the time.
In part 2 of this series, we busted the myth that women don’t want sex for sex. .
Now we banish the third myth:
“Men want more sex than women do”
This is probably the longest held belief. Going back to that evolutionary theory, it makes sense: males who are constantly horny are more likely to spread their seed and therefore produce offspring with the same trait of being extra horny. Except that, once again, HUMANS are more complicated than that.
Earth shattering new research is being done about female desire, and it’s coming (!) out that women may actually have more voracious appetites for sex than men have. The problem is we just don’t know it. One study tested physical arousal and perceived arousal at the same time – an instrument called a vaginal plethysmograph measured blood flow in the vagina, and the women typed a number on a keypad to indicate how aroused they felt when viewing various scenes (hetero sex, lesbian sex, gay male sex, and monkey – literally – sex.)
This is what the study by Dr. Meredith Chivers of Queen's University in Canada discovered...
“And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more”
Vaginal photoplethysmograph Image courtesy of the Sexuality & Gender Laboratory, Queen’s University.
The picture on the left shows the instrument that Dr. Chivers used: the vaginal plethysmograph. From the lab’s website: “The vaginal and clitoral gauges are used to measure women’s physical sexual responses. The vaginal gauge is a small, plastic, tampon-shaped probe about 6 cm long and 1.2 cm wide. […] instruments are used to measure changes in blood flow within the walls of the genital region. Each instrument has a light source and a light detector; the light source is used to illuminate the region that the light source in contact with, and the amount of blood that is circulating within the walls of that region determines how much light is back-scattered and detected by the light detector.”
So the women tended to physically desire sex just as often, if not more often, than men – they just didn’t recognize it. If you’re a woman who DOES recognize your sexual appetite, you may feel like a freak. You aren’t. Women actually have really strong sex drives.
So what did we learn?
- Men don’t necessarily want sex all the time
- Women can want sex for the sole purpose of sex
- Women can have much more voracious sexual appetites than men, and just not recognize it
If you want sex on a more frequent basis than your partner, you’re actually more normal than you think. Don’t NOT initiate sex because it’s “weird” to want it all the time. If you want it, initiate it. There is absolutely no shame in that.
“I want sex more than my boyfriend does.”… to that we say: AMEN.
Missed out? See part 1 and 2 here.
In part 1 of this series, we banished the bullshit that men want sex all the time. Now we banish the second myth:
“Women don’t want sex for sex”
Yes, sex can bring with it emotional intimacy. And sure, women value emotional intimacy. If you’re in a relationship you probably value that (otherwise, why are you in one?!)
But one of the factors that has contributed to women thinking that there is something wrong if they want frequent sex, is the mistaken idea that women don’t just want sex for sex: they want it for the “connection” it brings with their provider partner.
This idea comes straight from evolutionary theory:
Men have lots of sperm, but women have finite eggs. Sperm is cheaper, in terms of resources needed to produce, than eggs. So males have a greater chance of producing an offspring if they spread their seed everywhere, and they can do so at little cost. Females can’t benefit from this “spreading”, since their eggs are limited, so they benefit from having only 1 sexual partner.
This creates a situation where males compete over females, and females can be “choosy” about who they mate with– yes, this is actual science, not just a scene from the bar. Thus, males are fundamentally promiscuous, and females are fundamentally not: they want to select the mate that can best provide for them.
Mating fruit flies are from here – things are just easier when you’re a fly…
That may work fine in fruit flies, but human females are INFINITELY more complicated.
If we look at “casual sex”, things get clearer. Turns out, if the societal stigma of women pursuing casual sex (slut shaming) is removed, women want it just as often as men do.
So, we actually may want it a lot more often than we admit. And what is the purpose of casual sex – well, it sure isn’t emotional connection or seeking a provider! So we’d say yeah, women can (and do!) want sex just for sex.
Embrace it, and don’t feel ashamed to want more sex.
Catch up – see the first “fact” we put through the bullshit detector.
Check out the third myth we bust.
We come across a very common concern: “I want sex more than my boyfriend does. Does he not want me anymore?Am I no longer attractive to him?…
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!”
First of all, the female sex drive is very complicated. Just try googling the topic –you’ll be met with a hailstorm of confusion. Society has certain entrenched views that seem to pop up as “facts” on an alarmingly regular basis.
- Men want sex all the time – they think about it all the time, and can be ready to go in a moment’s notice
- Women tend to value sex for the other things it brings (emotional intimacy, for example), not for the sex itself
- Men want sex more than women do
We’ll deal with these so-called “facts” and show you that you are NOT a freak for wanting more sex than your boyfriend (or husband… or just general male partner) does.
1. “Men want sex ALL THE TIME”
No, not necessarily. Men may be too tired to initiate sex, or too stressed. There are very legitimate, fully scientific reasons that a man may not feel like sex (of any kind). If a man turns down your offer of sex, it is not because he suddenly finds you unattractive or because he already came all over his female co-workers titties in the elevator at work… it might just be because he damn well doesn’t FEEL like it.
He may just not have the energy to INITIATE sex. Society seems to think that because men want sex all the time (they don’t), they should be the initiators (they don’t have to be).
So if you want sex and your male partner doesn’t, so be it. Don’t read into it.
Go get your vibrator and get the job done, or initiate it yourself.
Wanting sex more than your boyfriend does is perfectly normal – but if it’s really effecting your relationship, go ahead and talk about it. That’s normal too.
Side note: we may think that men think about sex more often, but if we consider that they also think of their physical needs more often in general (food, sleep, etc.), relatively speaking, it isn’t such a big difference.
Check out the second “fact” we put through the bullshit detector.